


A Batlesson In Subtlety

by siriuslyyellow



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), DCU
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Humor, I Really Have No Excuse For This At All, M/M, Written in 2008
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-05
Updated: 2012-04-05
Packaged: 2017-11-03 02:58:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siriuslyyellow/pseuds/siriuslyyellow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Say it with me now: “Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun… BATMAAAN!” ^.^;</p>
<p>Challenge: Batman/Joker, skull, artist, chained, “Why do you have this effect on me?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Batlesson In Subtlety

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on the LJ community bjts_monthlyfic.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was a crisp autumn morning, and Bruce was signing a document Lucius handed him that needed the CEO’s autograph. Bruce always thought the key to being respected was to have a fancy-looking signature. He took a second to prepare, almost like an artist. Bruce was just touching the tip of the Batpen to the paper when it started.

Bruce sang softly, “Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun,” until the end, when he belted out, “… BATMAAAN!”

The pen scribbled his name messily across the paper.

Lucius raised an eyebrow at him and whispered, “That might not be the most subtle thing to do right now, Mr. Wayne.”

Bruce looked up to find twenty pairs of eyes, the board of trustees, staring at him as if he’d lost his mind. Then he cleared his throat and didn’t offer an explanation. He was too busy mourning his penmanship.

*~*~*

That afternoon, when he went to check his Batmessages, it happened again. As he scrolled down the page of e-mails, he sang, “Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun,” and then he clicked the mouse really quickly a bunch of times and shouted, “… BATMAAAN!”

Bruce accidentally deleted three important e-mails, and one porno chain letter that said, “CHAINED GIRLS YOUNG AND WET WANNA LICK IT??,” which he was going to delete anyway.

Sighing, he got to work e-mailing the various businessmen asking them to re-send their last. It was annoying. Why would he do something like that? Why would he delete those letters?

Well, besides the porn one, anyway.

Bruce thought he must be coming down with something.

*~*~*

When he went home to the manor, Alfred was waiting for him, ready to take his Batcoat.

“Did you have a good day at work, sir?”

Bruce nodded. “Yeah, I had a…,” he tried to take off his coat, but it got stuck, so he was pulling at it as he sang, “dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun,” then he finally got the damn thing off, but he flung it right on top of Alfred’s head as he finished, “… BATMAAAN!”

There was an awkward pause.

Bruce said, “… day at work.”

Alfred looked vaguely alarmed. “Master Wayne, are you ill? Should I call the Asylum?”

“What? No! I’m not losing my mind, Alfred.” Raising his hand to his forehead, Bruce sighed. “Just having a strange day.”

“Indeed,” Alfred paused, then replied, “Might I suggest that you not randomly shout about your secret identity? It might not be in your best interests.”

“Thanks, I’ll try to keep that in mind,” Bruce said, going down to the Batcave to get ready for the night.

*~*~*

When Bruce had put on his Batsuit, he saw the Batsignal in the sky and went to where he knew Gordon would be waiting with some news.

As he flew in, he whispered menacingly,” Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun,” and when he landed he growled out, “… BATMAAAN!”

Gordon raised his eyebrow. “Yes, I know you’re Batman.” He looked confused.

A lot of people were raising their eyebrows and looking confused at Bruce today.

“What’s the trouble?” Bruce growled in his ultra-secret-no-one-would-ever-guess-who-I-am-when-I-do-this Batvoice.

“The Joker. A small store on 55th. Think you can stop him tonight or are you too busy… singing? Should we wait for tomorrow?” Gordon cleared his throat and looked quickly away then back again. He clearly wanted to leave.

“No, the Joker’s mine.” Bruce turned away to fly off all ninja-like, but he stopped and turned half-way around, hoping to catch the light from the glowing dancing pineapple on top of the bar across the street in such a way that his profile looked daunting. He gruffly spat out, “It’s not singing. It’s a throaty growling sort-of noise.”

Gordon just said, “Oh,” and walked away.

Bruce launched himself off the roof. Gordon had made Bruce bitchy. Hopefully the Joker would cheer him up.

He usually did.

*~*~*

The Joker was hanging out in a convenience store, looking through tabloids, by the time Bruce had located him. There were no hostages around, and there was nothing about this place in particular that made it a good target for the Joker’s theatrics.

“I remember this guy,” the Joker said, pointing to a picture in the magazine that Bruce couldn’t see. “He was so grea-tuh in that movie with all the _sheep_.”

Bruce paused. “… That’s nice for you. For him. Whatever.”

Laughing, the Joker replied, “Wha-tuh, Bats? Did I make you lose your train of thought? _Here_ , let me help you remember…,” and he licked his lips provocatively directly at Bruce.

Bruce advanced on the Joker, who was grinning at him.

“J…,” Bruce breathed, and the Joker came.

The Joker had already taken off his long purple coat, green vest, and checkered tie. He was slowly unbuttoning his blue shirt, but Bruce had no time for the Joker’s seductions today. He grabbed the Joker, pushed him face-first over the candy rack, and ripped off the Joker’s pants.

“Hey, my pants!” the Joker complained, half-teasingly.

Bruce muttered gruffly, “Buy you ‘nother pair. Shut up and let me fuck you.”

The Joker shut up. Bruce never took off his entire suit when he screwed the Joker. But he did find an elaborate way to free his dick from his pants after much study on the subject. And that’s what he did. He took out his Batdick and pulled it twice, hard, smearing pre-come all over his fingers. Then he thrust his dick inside the Joker, whose ass was still tight even after all the time they spent fucking each other.

Bruce was just beginning to find a steady rhythm when he began to thrust with each word he sang. “Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun,” Bruce sang a few times, before his Batgasm hit and he shouted “… BATMAAAN!”

The Joker laughed.

Bruce smiled, “I blame you for the singing.”

“Oh _yeah_ ,” the Joker countered, “Why’s that?”

“Because you always make me do strange things,” Bruce explained, kissing his neck. “Why do you have this effect on me?”

The Joker shrugged and pushed Bruce down to the floor. “Maybe it’s because I’m sooo fucking beautiful to look a-tuh?”

Bruce grinned, his cheeks hitting the edges of his mask. “Maybe.”

*~*~*

The next morning, Bruce was in the middle of brushing his teeth when he started singing around the Battoothbrush, “Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun,” the he bit down hard on his tongue, “… BATMAAAN! Ow, fuck!”

“Wan-tuh me to kiss it and make it all _better_?”

Bruce whirled around to see the Joker sitting on his windowsill. How long had he been there? Bruce was positive the Joker didn’t know he was Batman. How did he find him?

“Why are you here?” Bruce thought that was a generic enough question to roll with it.

“You owe me a new pair of pants. And I wan-tuh the same ones, too. _Not_ any cheap knock-offs!” The Joker smacked his lips together and looked back and forth quickly. “Nice place you got ‘ere.”

Bruce’s head fell down onto the sink. He could not believe this was happening. He also hoped there was no permanent damage to his skull, because it made a kind-of loud crack when it hit the sink.

“Relaaax,” the Joker sighed. “You think _I’m_ gonna turn you in to the cops? Not _likely_. But you really shouldn-tuh randomly sing about your secret identi-tee. That’s _probably_ not a great idea.”

Bruce’s Batphone vibrated. He looked at it. A text from Harvey. It said, “Hey Bruce. Can you occupy Rachel tonight so that I can set up a surprise for her?”

He went to reply, “Sure, no problem,” but instead typed in, “Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun… BATMAAAN!” Bruce pressed the send button before he even realized what happened.

The Joker grabbed Bruce’s cell when it vibrated again a second later. His eyes narrowed as he read the text message. “Why is Harv sending you a tex-tuh that says ‘… Is that a no?’? … Are you two-timin’ me?!” The Joker looked livid. “I’ll kill him!”

This day was not going to be any better than the previous one, Bruce could tell already. He felt a migraine coming on. He looked askance at the Joker and thought about what he could do to entertain Rachel tonight. He’d rather fuck the Joker than distract Rachel, but if he sang in front of Rachel tonight, at least she already knew he was Batman. Not like the board of trustees.

“I’m not cheating on you, J.” Bruce ran a hand through his hair. “Chill.”

The Joker looked doubtful, bordering on homicidal. Although it might have been the other way around.

“Don’t believe me? Fine, then. I’ll just have to show you.” Bruce smirked, pulled the Joker into his bedroom, and called in sick. He did have until tonight, after all.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_fin._


End file.
